Forgiveness Is a Key to Dealing with Life’s Tragedies

Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

By Lysa TerKeurst

I sometimes say, half-jokingly, that one of the advantages of having a bad memory means that when it comes to “forgive and forget,” you don’t have to worry as much about forgiving when you can’t remember what the offense was to start with.

There are wounds that go far deeper than getting cut off in traffic, however – life-jarring experiences such as infidelity, broken confidences, betrayal, and abuse. TerKeurst, president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, has written this book for these times. Sadly, she has personal experience with each one and more.

Between recollection and raw emotions, the author reveals her story throughout these pages. She recounts her grief over her husband’s infidelity and substance abuse – but also celebrates their recent reconciliation and the renewal of their vows. 

When TerKeurst names mistakes that can be made, she owns up to often making them herself: the self-torture of continuously reliving an event, obsessing over what could have been said, the lack of remorse encountered, or the desire for vindication that never comes. 

There are also life lessons shared. Responses ranging from sulking to misdirected anger to actual physical distress have to be seen as detrimental behaviors that only punish the victim. 

The temptation to escape pain through substances, activities, and relationships are other destructive paths to avoid. Though the author approaches forgiveness through religious faith and biblical study, she admits the temptation of hyperspiritual behavior that avoids addressing pain through denying her feelings. Another invaluable resource she recommends are counselors who often provide help in understanding, processing. and dealing with pain. 

One shortcoming in this discussion is that more attention could have been devoted to self-forgiveness. Understanding our own self-worth is often a necessary part of the forgiveness process, one that may begin at a different starting place.

If you wonder, as I did, what happened to the marriage, it did not survive. A little research revealed that after the husband was accused of another infidelity and making financial gifts after this book was written, TerKeurst filed for divorce and then married again earlier this year. Does this take away from her recovery progress or diminish her message? Absolutely not. In many ways, the help she found and the healing she has – and still is – experiencing will certainly improve her chances of a “happily ever after.”

Ken Satterfield is circulation assistant at Missouri River Regional Library.